Insights
LONNIE: When we started having kids, we realized that we were completely responsible for programming these little brains and their characters. We realized that we needed to be as intentional about how we did that as we were about how we built businesses and did other things in life.
SHELLEY: It has always been important to both myself and Lonnie to influence our children and to be the ones to give them their schooling, their spiritual views, their views on our country, the importance of freedom, and individual thinking. We wanted to help them learn how to take initiative in life, and not to be the ones just waiting around for something to happen. All of those things are part of leadership.
SHELLEY: In order to train interdependence into our family, we needed to allow for some of that exploration of their own personalities and their likes and their dislikes. As we would do that together, that is the direction our family would go. As long as those things were along with our family values, which we all came up with together, then it was something we all celebrated.
LONNIE: Where we live, together these days, is one expression of that value of our family—that we like to do life together. So we’re blessed to be able to live very close to each other, which makes it easier at this stage in our life to do life together. And to be more interdependent than independent. These days, the common theme among families is the up and out theme. Like, can I raise them up and get them out as quick as I can so I can then go enjoy my life. Please don’t think that way for your family. You miss the primary benefit of being a family, where there’s this magical interdependency where each person is strong as an individual, and chooses to be interdependent. Which means, coming from the same story, being on the same team, supporting each other, encouraging each other, lifting each other up. We get the privilege of doing that, as a family. We are interdependent, and we do life together.
LONNIE: When Shell and I got married, we both realized we had come from families who really lived to influence and inspire people. And it was deeply within us to learn to do that better, to be good leaders. In the process, we learned that the greatest leadership flows from who we are—the love that we share with each other, from the strength of our own home unit, and the strength of our own character. We learned that from hard lessons. We had a point in our marriage where we had some very difficult times because we were so busy trying to focus on making the world a better place, and doing things to improve people around us, and inspire people around us. From that point on, we continually remind each other that the effect of our lives, it is based on the overflow of who we are as individuals, our centeredness and groundedness in who we are. And the love and unity we share in our own family unit.
SHELLEY: What I see being played out in my married children’s lives is that that marriage relationship is the number one thing in life. And out of that, then comes anything that gets given to the children. And I love that I’m seeing my kids be marriage-driven instead of child-driven in their homes. If we can continue that type of culture in our country, I think we’re going to just have stronger and stronger families.
SHELLEY: As the kids were growing up, it seemed like every conversation we had turned to something about marriage. And it was highly interesting conversation. What is the most important thing when we’re choosing a mate? And we decided that the most important thing about choosing a mate is that they had the same values. When you don’t have the same values in life, there can be a lot of room for conflict. And so, if there are red flags in that area, then those red flags would become 100 times more pronounced. And so we always said, “So watch out, make sure that you’re seeing your values played out in that future mate.”
SHELLEY: We have a family value of caring for the elderly. And I watched this in my family, where my mom took care of my dad’s parents and then she took care of her parents. It wasn’t always easy. But it was always done with grace and so much love. We see that in our travels to China—where the family generations are together, and they watch out for each other. And nursing homes are unheard of. And so that is something that we would like to give to the world, is that value of finding joy in having the elderly people around. Have it be important to learn from those generations that have so much wisdom to give us.
LONNIE: Core values are really the non-negotiable principles that guide every aspect of our lives. Identifying your personal values and your family vales. There’s so much in this world, and there will be more all the time and future generations that will try and pull you any direction that somebody else wants for their agenda, for their values. The only way to avoid that and get where you want to be in life, is to have crystal-clear non-negotiable principles that guide everything you do in life. The spouse you choose, the way you raise your children, the way you spend money, the way you make plans and execute on those plans—values are the true north, magnetic pull that guides every aspect of life. The world will constantly seek to pull you away from your main thing in life—your priorities, your values, your principles. How do you deal with that? I’ve found, it’s critical first of all to make a commitment to your values, a commitment that you write down—this is what I stand for. And you make that known to others. These are my priorities, these are my values. You share those with people that you know will support those. Secondly, invite other people into your circle—particularly your family. Our belief is that your family members should be your best friends. And, as best friends, they will want to support you against the tide, against the pressures of the world in living out what’s important to you.
SHELLEY: I would say the number one enemy to living intentionally is being too busy. And so, Lonnie and I learned early on in our relationship how being too busy is a destroyer of friendship and love. We do a weekly date night and then we would do individual dates with the children as well. And even Lonnie would do a once-a-month with each child. And I would say that is how we keep our influence the closest to what the kids are seeing. We’ve actually scheduled family council meetings, a once-a-year planning and goal-setting retreat, then a review week in the mountains, where we’re usually backpacking and off-grid. These things are all very important to keep those goals and principles and values up front. And then while we’re in the process of hiking down the trail, a lot of times we’re reviewing our values or we’re finding fun ways to get those burned into our minds even more. So like, writing our values in big pieces of drift wood along a beach. Or in rocks, or playing charades and having people guess what kind of, what value that we’re talking about. And then, as they’re older now of course, those things have become more mature. But still they like the fun way of doing it too.
LONNIE: For me, the most important thing in life is about what leaders I follow and who I lead. It starts with being a good follower, not just of anyone or everyone, but a good follower of great leaders. For me the greatest leader in my life, that’s inspired me the most, is Jesus. And really that’s not a religious thing for me at all, it’s a very practical thing. Jesus is just the most high-caliber, high-impact leader that’s walked this planet. And had the most multi-generational positive impact on people and that’s a very grounding thing for me to have a leader like that. That inspires me and really informs me of how I lead. One of the leadership qualities that I so admire in Jesus is that he had absolute, unconditional love for everyone around him. He cared genuinely about others. That was the core of who he was. He has this extraordinary character—a character that has both strength and compassion. And this humility of spirit that’s so rare to see in many leaders. Our dream for our legacy is that every generation would burn brighter and hotter for God and His purposes than the prior generation. That’s the way it’s supposed to be—that every generation is more effectively following the Jesus model than the prior generation. That every generation is more effectively bringing God’s leadership and His values to this earth than the prior generation. If that happens, we’re a success.